AHHHH!!!! I was walking home yesterday totally enjoying the outdoors and its fine weather. I was as happy as I could be. I was thinking about how my life was going and how I imagined my life in the future. I was trying to imagine my husband and children and then I saw something out of the corner of my eye so looked over to see what is was and there was my shadow...being all pregnant looking! I'm not gonna lie but it totally freaked me out at first! Motherhood has been freaking me out lately...in a not so good way. Being down here in Utah I don't often have the opportunity to babysit so most of the children I see belong to people I don't know. All I see though are all those children screaming, yelling, fighting, hitting, biting, getting into trouble and making messes everywhere. All I see in the mom's are frustration and exhaustion and they don't look to happy with their little ones. I often hear these mom's tell their friends that they just want to get away from their children. That they "need a break" from their family. I've even heard one mom say she hates being with her kids more than anything! Horrible huh??!
Well this has been making my desire to have children grow...less and less exciting. Motherhood has been scaring me! I have often been finding myself thinking that maybe children and I aren't a match, that my life would be better without children and that I should focus on my career...something that would be extremely difficult to do with children. I LOVE fashion design! LOVE LOVE LOVE it! Its one of the only things I am truly passionate about. But its not something that I could do while being a mother. They just don't fit hand in hand if I want to be the mother I need to be anyways. The Lord knows my heart, my fears, my loves, my weaknesses and strengths. He has blessed me with so many talents...one of the biggest talents my mom says I have is been my ability to love deeply his little children. I can't really explain the connection I immediately have with children. I love playing with them and teaching them and learning from them and they often respond very well to me. I've always been this way...even when I myself was a child!
Satan knows this too. And I've know that those fears that have been entering my heart and mind concerning children are from him. He doesn't want me to have children and to raise them in the church and to teach them of Christ and the second coming. Whenever these fears start to build to the point where I've almost made the decision to not have children the opportunity presents itself for me to go back home for a visit.
Back in my home ward are some of the most amazing mother's I know! Mother's who would rather be with their children than not. Mother's who look forward to days off of school so their kids can be home! They love their children SO much and it shows! Even when they get frustrated or irritated or overwhelmed! These mothers make me excited to be one myself someday...and that someday is getting closer and closer everyday!
I see my own mother and the relationship she has with my siblings and me. I love the friendships that have grown over the years in my family. I want my future family to be just like my present family! We have our problem and difficulties but we have each other to get through them and we ALWAYS do!
So to all you mothers in my life...Thank you! You are the example that I've looked to over the years and still do! Know that you are making it so I'm excited to a mom! (no pressure or anything! lol!)
I wasn't going to do this nor did I really want to because there have been SO many amazing examples out there but I just want to thank some of you specifically for the example you have set for me over the years! I just want to thank Meagan Allen, Kim Hall, Jennifer Lindsay, Karen Gozart, Angela Lowe, Kristen Hess, Corinne Proctor, Karen Holyoak, Patti Epperson, my Grandma Rutan who has always been "Grandma" but took care of me and taught me at a time when I didn't really have a mother in my life, Monique Opdahl (who has been like a second mom to me and one of my very best friends), and I especially want to thank my own mother! You truly are one of kind! You are amazing the have been and are the best Mom and teacher! I love you!
This is what you see when you come into my apartment. It looks cooler with only the christmas lights on (yes they stay up year round!) And the New York poster is the coolest...EVER. Well its totally tied with Audrey. My shelf is the one with all the books on it and half of the one below that. I like to read. :D
This is the right side of the living room. The mirror is the "fat mirror". It used to sit up against the wall over by Lecelin and Kaylie's bathroom. It was the worst thing in the world because it made you look short and plump. Hence the nick name "fat mirror".
The Kitchen part I
The Kitchen part 2
The Kitchen part III
Liz's and My bathroom.
