some old pictures. :)

I am a Native American.

So, I mentioned in my last my post I was doing Genealogy. I've been talking with my biological father today and I've found out some really intriguing information! I don't know how much of it is fact but I love the stories and I love knowing a little bit more about this side of the family.

He told me a about my biological mother's birth father. His last name was Long Soldier and he committed suicide by shooting himself. A little morbid and way sad but it's a story and I now know why I never met him. My Great Grandfather is the medicine man of the Oglala Souix Tribe. He's very respected and a great man! His name is Royal Bull Bear. My Grandmother's name is Arlean (who I do remember). I wish so badly I could get more information. I wish with all my heart I could get a hold of my biological mother and just talk to her about my ancestors. I remember being told that I was related to Crazy Horse somehow. I always laugh because when he was younger he was called Curly because he had curly hair. My brother Tim went from have bone strait hair to having the awesome curly hair. It was a secret confirmation to me that we really are descendants of a famous Sioux Chief. haha.

I have some leads now to research and see if I can find out anything! Wish me luck. I'm so excited to start this! It's very distracting from the wedding though and I really need to get things DONE! i have 39 days left. THIRTY NINE DAYS!!!!!!

genealogy, masonry, the next step, and enjoying.

i've been inspired to do some family history. :) it's kinda of a daunting task but extremely exciting! i'm working on my biological family right now. i'll start with my father's side. maybe someday i'll know where to begin for my mother's native american side!

my patriarchal blessing speaks very specifically of doing genealogy and i know that patriarchal blessings are of a sacred nature and should not be shared with the world but i really want to share this one paragraph. it's so exciting to me!

" You have a great responsibility in the area of genealogy, many of your ancestors wait patiently beyond the veil for you to do this great work in their behalf. This may seem very difficult and an impossible task to accomplish. The lord will be with you and He will open the necessary doors that you will be able to accomplish this to a very good measure. The Lord loves you and desires for you to succeed in this great work."

i guess this means i need to get to work. my goal is to have four to ten names to take to the temple and have all their ordinances done by the end of the year!

so, mick has become a mason. now a lot of you may think, "what?! that is so sacrilegious!". or something like that. i know i wasn't really all up for it when he mentioned he wanted to become a mason. in fact i was pretty against it. my argument was "why do you need to be a mason when you can go to the temple?". he asked me to go to a meeting that they were having where i could go check out the masonic lodge and ask questions. he had to work so i went by myself. it was a little nerve wracking but he's so passionate about it and i wanted to know why, as well as support my soon to be fiance/husband.

i went and my only question was how being a mason conflicted with being an active lds member. i learned that masonry isn't a religion. it a fraternal organisation. a free mason must believe in a supreme being, be of good morals and have a good reputation. they are the very best men they can be in their families, community and religion that they choose to be affiliated with. after learning these things i was very impressed. i felt...uplifted.

there's a scripture in Moroni that says:

"Wherefore, take heed, my beloved brethren, that ye do not judge that which is evil to be of God, or that which is good and of God to be of the devil. For behold, my brethren, it is given unto you to judge, that ye may know good from evil; and the way to judge is as plain, that ye may know with a perfect knowledge, as the daylight is from the dark night. For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God. But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil; for after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him. And now, my brethren, seeing that ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully; for with that same judgement which ye judge ye shall also be judged."

mick was initiated last month and is working on his degrees and on his way to becoming a master mason. the reason why i'm "blogging" about this now is because i am LOVING the difference this has made in his life and the way it is affecting my life as well. he's so happy! he's so excited about...life! he's trying his best to become the very best person he can be. the other day he deleted 20 gigs of music off his itunes/ipod because it just wasn't appropriate. his very favorite band was deleted. i couldn't believe he actually did that! i was so impressed with his integrity. "for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God." there are other ways i've noticed that him being a mason has changed him for the better. i won't go on and on and bore my mom and the other two people who read my blog. haha. :D i'm just so grateful for my soon to be husband. he has an amazing heart. i'm very grateful for this organisation he's a part of that is making him a better man and influencing him to do good.

my great grandpa was a mason. he was the sweetest and most kind hearted, caring, and giving person i had ever met. it's so exciting to see my mick become that kind of man. especially as we get closer to entering the temple to be married!

which leads me to the next step. we have like 40 days till the wedding. FORTY DAYS! Wow! Time has flown by! i just got fitted for my dress today. have to take it in a whole size. pretty upset about that because i argued with the lady at the bridal shoppe about how i needed a specific size but she thought i needed a size bigger, blah blah blah. well, the dress came and guess what. it was a whole size too big. oh well. at least it's here and i have wonderful friends willing to help me out!

i just have to say life is good. not always easy. but it is really good.

there was a talk given by a missionary in sacrament meeting today; he said {paraphrasing} "endure is kind of a harsh word. endure life to the end. i rather use the word enjoy. i am enjoying life to the end." what a great motto!

details

trying to get this wedding stuff figured out. :p

i just realized that i need to look for plates, cups, forks, paper napkins, things like that. haha. it's really fun actually! i'm in that stage where i have to think about all the little details. :D i'm loving it! i still have a few big things i need to get done. man, i need to get it on the ball! whew! i have six weeks left until the wedding/reception! woohoohooo!

i need to find sparklers, cake stands (if anyone has any i can borrow that would be so awesome!), pretty trays, table cloths, chair covers, need to get the christmas lights together (again if anyone has some i can borrow), i need to buy some stuff for decorations, i still have to find my shoes. yikes. i think i'll go all out on shoes. no. no. no. i need to be good. haha. i'm still looking for jewelry/accessories for the bridesmaids and myself.

this is exciting and lots of fun! :)

lucky 7

seven weeks until mick and i get married

{i heart grace kelly's wedding}

i also {heart} helena bonham carter and her new alice and wonderland inspired photo shoot!

Sometimes our dreams really do come true. :)

it all started one sunday, valentine's day afternoon. we were at church and i was still pretty new to the whole thing. this girl who had been very friendly came up to me and handed me a lollipop valentine. she gave one to all the kids but i felt particularly special and very grateful. i went home and excitedly told my parents that this really cool girl name hannah hinkson gave me...ME...the new girl, a valentine. :) i knew from that moment we'd be best friends for a really long time.

hannah and i have been really good friend since were 10 years old! we use to play barbies under my parents piano. we use to dream about getting married to brothers so that we could be sisters-in-law. our plan was to get married at the same time. we got older and stopped playing barbies (with a momentary relapse at age 16 AND i have picture which i'll find and post soon!) but we still would plan a double wedding. then we got older and it was more of a joke. and then we got way old and it became one of those silly little girl dreams.

well guess what. its actually coming true! (for the most part). hannah and i are getting married exactly 6 days apart from each other! how awesome is that?! she'll be getting married in the salt lake city temple and i'll be getting married in the portland, oregon temple. :) the only sad part is that we wont be able to attend each others weddings.

look {here} (and) {here} we are!

zoo trip (march 29, 2010)

abby and me. I love her.

this is what you would see when someone was holding her and that someone wasn't me.

kristi and andrew!! (photo taken by mick, he's pretty much better than i am. lol)

another view of abby when she wants me to hold her. i saw this often as well.

hannah taking picture on grandpa's shoulders.

hahaha! i love this picture! it's so funny. i really wanted to take pictures of our zoo trip but abby wanted me to hold her the entire time or she would would cry so i had to put her in her stroller and get her distracted, mick then would come push the stroller and I would have to make sure i stayed behind the stroller out of abby's sight and that way i could take some pictures. well, i forgot to do that and she saw me and and this was the result.

abby and grandma! finally having some fun with someone besides Jessica (or when i would prompt her, she would say "he...ss". close.) isn't this a great picture!

andrew is one of the cutest kids on this planet!!

abby LOVED the carousal. she was trying to squeeze herself in between the bar fence to get to it. haha

i love the zoo! it was so much fun! oh, i did take some pictures of the animals...

here's one of an animal holding abby...oh wait! that's mick! ;)

missing!

Dear Shelly,

I miss your girls. Please move to Utah so that I can play with them all the time. :)

Love, Jessica

practicing is so much fun!

i had so much fun doing a photo session with camille yesterday! i'm still working on editing but i have a few photos posted so go take a look and leave me a comment! {here}

i'm still learning and trying to figure this out so any suggestions or advise is more than welcome. i have lots of learning to do but its so much fun and so exciting!

oh and today and tomorrow are the last days you can vote.

please go vote for me!!!! my number is 18!

{here}

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

number one change will be me getting married! YES! i have 59 days!  i'm so excited.

number two change. mick and i will be living in salem, oregon for the summer. big move! but i'm excited about that too.  well, i hate moving but at least its closer to home and OUT OF PROVO!

number three change. well, this is still a maybe but a big maybe. mick and i will not be moving back to provo (can i hear a hallelujah?!!). we may be going to school in salt lake city! heck yes! i would really like that.

change number four. um. hmm...i can't think of any more. but those 3 are pretty major! i'm pretty excited about all of them too.  wish us luck, we're gonna need it!

my Canon's are driving me nuts...

just feeling a little sick. i hate my little point and shoot camera. i recorded an awesome video last night and guess what. it's not on there. my newly charged battery lasted through only the first song. why do i have such bad luck with this camera and with keeping pictures/videos? i lost over 300 pictures last year. LAME!

my new camera is a little frustrating too because i don't know how to use it and i can't afford to have someone teach me. researching online only helps a little bit. i need some hands on learning.

can you tell i'm a little frustrated this morning?

i'm going to see muse in concert today.

blue dresses and fabric are hard to find.

why am i craving chocolate? i don't like chocolate.

i need a new purse.

time to gather addresses so i can order invitations. send me yours if you want one.

go vote for me at ruffledblog.com. i'm #18

i decided on flowers. peonies for me and mick. roses for everyone else.

i love love love my wedding dress.

i love love love love my fiance. he's pretty awesome. i like it when he does awesome things for me.

i have a ton of easter candy and i want to eat it all in one sitting. good thing its still in mick's car.

scheduling is kinda fun. i like filling up my day planner. lol

Voting Time

well, i entered another contest! in order to win i need all of your votes! please go vote for me! voting starts April 8th. I will send out some reminders through facebook, twitter, email and maybe some texts. i really want to win this one! you guys are awesome! THANK YOU so much for leaving comments on my bridals photos! Mick and I will be for sure receiving an 11*14 framed photo! YES!

xoxo

http://ruffledblog.com/2010/04/diy-contest-time-to-vote/

i finally got to try on my dress. it is sooooo pretty and i LOVE it!

Hope on the Horizon

i've been re-reading my journals from last year. last night i read an entry that kinda surprised me. in a good way. :)
i was kinda struggling with lonliness (every one has their moments). i was watching conference with my roommate and her boyfriend and they were just so cute! they were so sweet with each other. she was snuggled in close and he was holding onto her and they were doing something uplifting (watching conference). i was sitting by myself, thinking about how i really wanted to experience that again. jeffery r holland started to speak and he started his talk off like this just after i had finished writing about how i was feeling a bit lonely.

Brothers and sisters, my Easter-season message today is intended for everyone, but it is directed in a special way to those who are alone or feel alone or, worse yet, feel abandoned. These might include those longing to be married, those who have lost a spouse, and those who have lost—or have never been blessed with—children. Our empathy embraces wives forsaken by their husbands, husbands whose wives have walked away, and children bereft of one or the other of their parents—or both. This group can find within its broad circumference a soldier far from home, a missionary in those first weeks of homesickness, or a father out of work, afraid the fear in his eyes will be visible to his family. In short it can include all of us at various times in our lives.
To all such, I speak of the loneliest journey ever made and the unending blessings it brought to all in the human family. I speak of the Savior’s solitary task of shouldering alone the burden of our salvation. Rightly He would say: “I have trodden the winepress alone; and of the people there was none with me. . . . I looked, and there was none to help; and I wondered that there was none to uphold [me].”1

he preceded to tell about the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and all he went through. then went on to say:

Now I speak very carefully, even reverently, of what may have been the most difficult moment in all of this solitary journey to Atonement. I speak of those final moments for which Jesus must have been prepared intellectually and physically but which He may not have fully anticipated emotionally and spiritually—that concluding descent into the paralyzing despair of divine withdrawal when He cries in ultimate loneliness, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?”¹⁶

The loss of mortal support He had anticipated, but apparently He had not comprehended this. Had He not said to His disciples, “Behold, the hour . . . is now come, that ye shall be scattered, every man to his own, and shall leave me alone: and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me” and “The Father hath not left me alone; for I do always those things that please him”?¹⁷

With all the conviction of my soul I testify that He did please His Father perfectly and that a perfect Father did not forsake His Son in that hour. Indeed, it is my personal belief that in all of Christ’s mortal ministry the Father may never have been closer to His Son than in these agonizing final moments of suffering. Nevertheless, that the supreme sacrifice of His Son might be as complete as it was voluntary and solitary, the Father briefly withdrew from Jesus the comfort of His Spirit, the support of His personal presence. It was required; indeed it was central to the significance of the Atonement, that this perfect Son who had never spoken ill nor done wrong nor touched an unclean thing had to know how the rest of humankind—us, all of us—would feel when we did commit such sins. For His Atonement to be infinite and eternal, He had to feel what it was like to die not only physically but spiritually, to sense what it was like to have the divine Spirit withdraw, leaving one feeling totally, abjectly, hopelessly alone.

But Jesus held on. He pressed on. The goodness in Him allowed faith to triumph even in a state of complete anguish. The trust He lived by told Him in spite of His feelings that divine compassion is never absent, that God is always faithful, that He never flees nor fails us. When the uttermost farthing had then been paid, when Christ’s determination to be faithful was as obvious as it was utterly invincible, finally and mercifully, it was “finished.”¹⁸ Against all odds and with none to help or uphold Him, Jesus of Nazareth, the living Son of the living God, restored physical life where death had held sway and brought joyful, spiritual redemption out of sin, hellish darkness and despair. With faith in the God He knew was there, He could say in triumph, “Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.”¹⁹

Brothers and sisters, one of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path—the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said, “I will not leave you comfortless. [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].”²⁰

(and then he ended his talk with his wonderful testimony...)

My other plea at Easter time is that these scenes of Christ’s lonely sacrifice, laced with moments of denial and abandonment and, at least once, outright betrayal, must never be reenacted by us. He has walked alone once. Now, may I ask that never again will He have to confront sin without our aid and assistance, that never again will He find only unresponsive onlookers when He sees you and me along His Via Dolorosa in our present day. As we approach this holy week—Passover Thursday with its Paschal Lamb, atoning Friday with its cross, Resurrection Sunday with its empty tomb—may we declare ourselves to be more fully disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, not in word only and not only in the flush of comfortable times but in deed and in courage and in faith, including when the path is lonely and when our cross is difficult to bear. This Easter week and always, may we stand by Jesus Christ “at all times and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in, even until death,”²¹ for surely that is how He stood by us when it was unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

wow. can you believe how inspired these men of God are?! i obviously needed that talk so badly. i remember feeling so uplifted and so comforted. i felt happy. i felt loved. i felt that God really does know me. ME. just one in a hundreds of millions of people. He knows who i am and what i go through, how i feel, and what i need to bring me comfort and peace. i'm so grateful for that!

i am very grateful for journal writing too. i'm obsessed with it. i always have my journal with me in my purse. i LOVE journals. my favorite gifts are journals and notebooks. i just want to encourage everyone who reads my silly blog posts to seriously keep up on your journal writing. not only is it therapeutic but it is so good to be able to go back and see what you went through. who knows, maybe you'll write something inspired that will give you strength a whole year later! or will give your child, grandchild, great great great great grandchild some strength and courage.

i love this picture by greg olsen. it is entiled "Hope on the Horizon".